Calling All Men: Re-examine your purpose!

I once received a frantic phone call from a friend of mine years ago concerning his marriage. It was his wife's birthday, and he went to buy her a nice watch. He brought it home and proudly presented it to his wife, thinking she would be enamored with his thoughtfulness and love. To his terror, she began to cry and asked him a simple question that would cause any man to panic. She said, "Why would you buy me a watch? You know I don't wear watches!"

The question bumfuzzled him. He asked, "Why would she ask that? Shouldn't she be happy that I even thought of her and bought her something nice?" He felt that the question manifested a heart of ungratefulness. There are a few men in this world who do things instinctively in relationships that speak volumes of understanding, but for the most part, we men are basic in our relationship skills and comprehension. Most men understand relationships in the depth of three sheets of paper.

I once heard a Rabbi explain the relationship model of understanding between a man and a woman using these terms. He said that a relationship is like an iceberg. Ten percent of the iceberg is above water and visible. Ninety percent of the iceberg is invisible under the water's surface. Men are in boats on top of the water, only seeing ten percent, and women are in submarines under the water with a periscope, seeing one hundred percent. Men are seeing very little of the relationship. Women are seeing things in the relationship that men don't even know exist for the most part. That is why my friend couldn't quite understand his wife's reaction.

So, I had to tell him what it was all about. I said, "It's not because she was ungrateful. Her words were words of hurt because she wants you to pay attention to her desires, wants, needs, likes, and dislikes. Your gesture told her heart that you don't know her. She wants you to take the time to try to know and understand who she truly is. She is like a book that wants to be read, studied, and internalized by you. Do you understand what I'm telling you?" He said, "OMG! You're right. That's what she said, that I don't know her."

Even though we don't like to admit it, we tend to be selfish. It becomes about what we want, when, and how we want it. Being truthful and honest about it is the first step to recovery. We must be aware of it before we ever rectify an issue. Once we are aware of it, then comes the work. Intentionality! Being intentional is the only way to fix a problem that has operated on autopilot.

Jeremiah 9:23-24 "Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, let not the mighty man glory in his might, nor let the rich man glory in his riches; 24 but let him who glories glory in this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the Lord, exercising lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness in the earth. For in these, I delight,” says the Lord."

HaShem has given us the answer to what makes Him happy. We needn't wonder about it. He tells us throughout His word what makes a relationship in good standing. Earlier in the book of Jeremiah, HaShem makes a very interesting point. In Jeremiah 7, the Lord clearly states that the relationship with Him is the key component. Verses 22-26: "For I did not speak to your fathers, or command them in the day that I brought them out of the land of Egypt, concerning burnt offerings or sacrifices. 23 But this is what I commanded them, saying, ‘Obey My voice, and I will be your God, and you shall be My people. And walk in all the ways that I have commanded you, that it may be well with you.’ 24 Yet they did not obey or incline their ear, but followed the counsels and the dictates of their evil hearts, and went backward and not forward. 25 Since the day that your fathers came out of the land of Egypt until this day, I have even sent to you all My servants the prophets, daily rising up early and sending them. 26 Yet they did not obey Me or incline their ear but stiffened their neck. They did worse than their fathers."

They went backward and did what was in their hearts. It's about getting outside of our own minds and our own desires to make what He wants important to us. One of the things I'd like to point out concerning this passage is that HaShem sent people. That's right, HaShem sent people to help other people. We get into a lot of trouble when our mindset is that HaShem speaks just to us on a one-on-one basis. In a book about marriage, I once read that the wife is the instrument of rectification for the man, not vice versa.

I want to tell you a story about a man named The Exalted Sage and Pillar of Compassion Sh'lita (an acronym: Shyichyeh L'Orech Yamim Tovim- May he live for many good days, amen). The Holy and Compassionate Sh'lita was a pillar of his community. He did many mitzvot, gave much tzedakah, and was kind to everyone he met. People admired The Exalted Sage and Pillar of Compassion Sh'lita for his Torah knowledge and wisdom. He was fortunate to marry the daughter of one of the leading families in the area.

There was one flaw in the greatness of The Exalted Sage and Pillar of Compassion Sh'lita -- his wife! All the town's people respected and admired The Exalted Sage and Pillar of Compassion Sh'lita, except his wife. She constantly complained about him and spoke to him with disrespect and disdain. The Exalted Sage and Pillar of Compassion Sh'lita would arrive home late in the evening only to experience her anger, bitterness, and ready to explode. He tried to ignore this unpleasant aspect of his life by spending less time at home.

The Exalted Sage and Pillar of Compassion Sh'lita decided in his heart that his wife's disposition was due to her lack of Torah knowledge, character refinement, and inability to recognize the merits of a true Torah sage who demanded the respect he deserved. It appeared to The Exalted Sage and Pillar of Compassion Sh'lita that her only goal in life was to pester him with petty demands and baseless allegations. He tried his best to give her money for what she desired, but it wasn't with a willing heart. He felt his marriage to this ungrateful and disrespectful wife was a constant nuisance. Rather than face the difficult situation at home, the Exalted Sage and Pillar of Compassion Sh'lita would prearrange meetings and projects that would keep him occupied and away from home, even during Shabbat and holidays.

The expiration of the days of The Exalted Sage and Pillar of Compassion Sh'lita had arrived. As is traditional with the death of a tzaddik, many gathered in Jerusalem for the funeral of The Exalted Sage and Pillar of Compassion Sh'lita. Thousands accompanied the funeral procession to lay him to rest. The spiritual giants of the local area gave eulogies that emphasized his greatness in the Torah and acts of kindness in the community. Thousands of Yeshiva boys with black hats wailed in the streets. The streets were filled with mourning and weeping women. In the middle of it all, aware of everything that transpired around him, was The Exalted Sage and Pillar of Compassion Sh'lita, ever so smugly gratified. Such a funeral takes place once in a decade.

After the transposition from this world to the next, The Exalted Sage and Pillar of Compassion Sh'lita was snatched away by accusing angels who were taking him forcefully into the heavenly court. The Exalted Sage and Pillar of Compassion Sh'lita protested sharply about his harsh treatment. He was sure his reception into the celestial realm would coincide with the honor and prestige he had received at his earthly funeral.

The trial of The Exalted Sage and Pillar of Compassion Sh'lita launched. The heavenly tribunal looked over his record without any hint of being impressed. They arrived at the section labeled Marriage, and they looked very unhappy. The court's chief justice became exceedingly irritated as he counted the number of times The Exalted Sage and Pillar of Compassion Sh'lita's wife had cried. The justices cringed at the amount of tears that filled the measuring jar. The prosecuting attorney brought forth evidence from an x-ray of her heart that had been broken and blood-stained from loneliness, humiliation, and insult. There was video evidence presented of the unpleasant Shabbat evenings when she was sitting alone at the Shabbat table with no one to appreciate the fresh challah she spent time crafting with her own hands. It documented her disappointment with the ungrateful individual who couldn't wait to vacate the premises. The film documented her starving soul that longed for attention, affection, and appreciation. There was never a thank you, gift, or nice word. The Exalted Sage and Pillar of Compassion Sh'lita had erred dramatically in his misplaced priorities.

The Chief Justice bypassed all the honorific titles The Exalted Sage and Pillar of Compassion Sh'lita had been used to receiving in the earthly realm and addressed him by his first name. He said, "Bentzy, even though you learned a lot of Torah and performed many charitable deeds, you neither completed your assignment nor attained your tikkun, your soul correction. You have been an arch-egotist, concerned only about yourself, your own prestige, and your success. All your learning has gone to the Dark Side, giving power to the forces of evil in the world. Your acts of charity can't possibly atone for your sins, for charity begins at home. If there's no charity at home, then all the charity done on the outside is lacking."

"You should have directed your compassion first to your wife, who was your flesh. You gave to strangers while ignoring her, which proves that you were not charitable but just a seeker of prestige. You had the patience to listen to strangers' problems for hours, yet you never had two minutes daily to listen to your wife. You looked at her like a waste of time. You delivered ridiculous sermons about your warped notion of marriage, and you gave your students the worst marital advice that can be. Because of your negative influence, they too have become as terrible a husband as you were..."

"...with all your book learning, you failed to understand that life's principle test is to live in peace and harmony with your wife. You regarded the wonderful mitzvot that a husband should do for a wife as a nagging hindrance. You disdained true loving-kindness."

With an accusing finger, the Chief Justice bellowed: "Had you invested in your shalom bayit (peace in the home), you'd have discovered how far you really are from the Torah and its values. The Torah is geared to bring a person to emunah. Your lack of emunah shows that you never really learned Torah. HaShem gave you so much natural intelligence, yet you failed to understand that when your wife was trying to talk to you, HaShem was trying to talk to you! When your wife was begging you to spend some time at home, HaShem spoke through her vocal chords. By ignoring your wife, you, in your blind arrogance, were repeatedly ignoring HaShem. Torah should have brought you to humility. Was disdaining your wife the act of a humble man? Genuine compassion is in the heart, so why was your heart so cold and uncompassionate toward your wife? You see, you lacked genuine compassion! Why did you give everything to strangers, leaving nothing- not even a minute- for your wife? Did you ever change a diaper? Did you ever offer to sit up late at night and comfort one of your sick children? She did all of that. You never lifted a finger to help." (This story is adapted from Chapter One of the book titled: Peace in the Garden: A Marital Guide For Men Only by Rabbi Shalom Arush). The Exalted Sage and Pillar of Compassion Sh'lita's embarrassment was at its zenith. He had realized at that point that he had missed the number one mitzvah in life, shalom bayit.

The above story illustrates a critical point. Have we really understood the purpose of our existence on this spinning globe that hurls through space? Have we truly comprehended what the Lord wants from us? Let us reconsider our priorities and our purpose while we still have time. If HaShem woke you up today, He has given you another opportunity to do a tikkun (rectification). Take advantage of it today!